The Abduction of Gladyz

How do, ma name es Gladyz Hamyoke, un I wuld lak ta shar whut hapen ta me wid yu!

Wul...har es how et ul hapen'd! I waz a in ma hamock out ba da barn, jes enjoyen da beutiful nite ski... un Earl waz a chekin hiz shine cukin nearby en da stil. Whun ul uf a suden... I waz a blinded by awful white lite! Un den ah felt ma bodee a risin...den ah blanked out! But ma ever luvin boy freend Earl, gut a pictur of dis fritenin ex-perence.....I member haring Earl yelin fer dem aleenz ta let go uf me...

Da nex thang I memberz ez wakin up out by da oilrig!

Wul...now Earl es mad...un he es a set on catchin dem aleens!! He gut booby traps ever whar set up...he'z cuzin Dugan tole him ta git a skunk un thro et on da muther ship door whun et a opun'd up! So Earl went a huntin fer a skunk... Wul..he sawz one un he tracked et fer miles... whun he com ta a rode...un dat skunk went a runnin cros dat rode enfrunt uf a car..un gut sqished...so'z Earl gut him an broght dat stinkin creatur bac... I made him thro et en da barn..da thang was reekin so bad!!

We wuz gittin up one mornin, not 3 dayz aftur dem aleens tuke me up dar...un Earl sayz ta me...Gladyz..yu es gittin fat! Ah stomped outa da room un luked et masef...un sur nuff.. I waz a gitten pouchie!! I screamed ta Earl.. I thank I'm impregnated Earl..hep hep hep... un I jes a kep a swelin up!...

A few dayz latur... I was a swimin en da crek wid Earl.. un lo un behold.. I sayz Earl I feelz sumtin?... soz I gut out uf da crek un whun I did..a big ole egg rolled out uf me! Earl sayz he waz a thankin dat waz un aleen critter! So'z I tuk et ta da barn un put et en da chicken coop..un one uf da hens a sat down un et... so'z I figur'd dat waz a gude plaze fer et!!!

A few dayz later...we hard a bunch uf noize down by da barn..henz a cluckin un cowz a mooin.. feathers flin evur whar..ole Earl sayz looky dat eg...et gut biger...un dat hen dun't wunt ta set un et no mor!!! So'z we decid'd ta jes leav et aelone!! Dat nite dem aleenz cum bac... whule Earl waz a makin shine, down et da stil... wul whun he cum bac up ta da hous.. he waz a lickered up un had dem aleenz wid him.. un dey was al lickered up too! Dey partee'd purty harty thru da nite.. I went ta bed... un en da mornin.. I found out dat dem aleenz had given ole Earl a astro-mobile!!! Un dar he waz a tryin ta fly et! Ah jes culdn't beleeve et! Dat'z when I called up ma cuzin Bessee and Roi un ask dem ta cum out har ta hep me... cause I was scared stupid!

Wul... ma cuzin Bessee sade they'd sur nuf cum out ta hep me! A day later ole Earl sayz he'd go pik um up en da astro-mobile...dat scar'd me even mor!! So'z I called up my cuzin Dugan Lunker and he'z girl freend Pewty Mae un ask dem ta cum out to...wul den ole Earl sade he'd pik dem up to... so'z I called up ma cuzin Artie Fartie ta cum out an I fin out she'z gut a aleen Feonsay...un she wunted ta brang him alung wid har! Lordy Lordy..

Wul..da nex day ole Earl un ah gut en dat astro-mobile un tuk uff ta fetch cuzin Bessee un Roi un Roi Junyur en Kentucy...an Cuzin Dugan en Oklehoma...un den ta Calefornee ta pik up Cuzin Artie Fartie un har aleen Feonsay.... wul Earl ain't had alut uf flyin time wid dis har kontraption... un whun we finely managed ta beems up Cuzin Bessee un Roi un Roi Junyur..she'd dun broght tatur salad un sum wundurful shine... we ul started ta ete et..un fly un ta git Cuzin Dugan... wul he broght sum pikled>>>>>>>> un we dug rite en ta dat.. by da time we gut ta Cuzin Artie Fartie's ole Earl waz a licker'd up gain.. un whun he tri'd ta beem dem up..da astro-mobile went out of control..un we waz goin round en circles..an so was the tatur salad and possem eneards en pikled..... et gut al over ever thang...

Whun we gut bac ta da hous wid ever one..al dem aleenz waz a dar ta greet us! Un dey even know'd Cuzin Artie Farties aleen Feonsay!!! ah culdn't beleeve dis! Ever one started makin shine an swimin en da crek... un dey waz a playin sum weird musac sounds...

Wul...Earl cum up frum da barn un sade dis eg ain't no good..luky et turned a fowl colur..so'z he tossed et en da soup dat was a boilin on da stove! Later whun da soup was reedy.. he sade make sur dat eg es en my bowl! I watched him as he ete dat eg! Ah thought fer sur he'd get sick frum dat eg!...as et was a aleen eg!! but ole Earl es ok..